DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY" ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise. FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp. FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches. JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. LECHER: A stud with liver spots. LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it. OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet. POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception. QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor. SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts. STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete. TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative. UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork. URINAL: The one place where all men are peers. VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace. WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. MORE DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY" AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry. BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies. CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge. DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist. EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it. FITNESS Salvation through perspiration. GOURMET A food fetishist. HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less. IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. JEANS Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits. KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding. LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo. MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic. NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door. ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke. PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer. QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman. REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person. SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human. TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill. UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will. VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone. WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority. X-RAY A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal. Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost. ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.