You've been sent them by strangers. You've done them furtively late at night, wondering how you'll rate. You've even lied on them. Now, it's time for the true challenge, it's the ...

BONC Purity Test

Note: Do not respond to this publicly. You won't want to.

• Do you BONC alone?
  • with a friend?
  • with a group of friends?
  • have you talked them into joining BONC?
  • Do you have friends anymore?

• Do you refer to Captain Picard as Jean-Luc?
  • JLP?
  • The Great One?
  • The Great Bald One?
  • One half of The Couple?
  • Him?
  • He Whose Name Is Too Sacrosant to Speak?

• Do you refer to Doctor Crusher as Bev?
  • Beverly?
  • The Auburn One?
  • The Goddess?
  • One half of the Couple?
  • Her?
  • She Who Is the Source of All Things Holy?
  • Mom?

• Do you read BONC stories at work?
  • At home?
  • With the doors locked?

• When you listen to music, do you automatically pick out BONC songs?
  • While driving?
  • Have you ever stopped traffic?
  • Did you make a list?

• Do you drink Earl Grey?
  • Did you start after watching Star Trek?
  • Do you enjoy it?

• Can you explain the workings of a tricorder to another BONCer?
  • To your child?
  • To an electrician?
  • Did she/he believe you?

• Have you considered a career in medicine?
  • Did this occur after watching Star Trek?

• Do you find excuses to use the word BONC in conversations?
  • Do your friends ask you about it?
  • Have your friends stopped asking you about it?
  • Have you gotten your friends to start using it?

• Did you ever buy a pennywhistle specifically to play the song from "The Inner Light?"
  • Can you play it?
  • Well?

• Have you ever looked for Dixon Hill mysteries in the bookstore?
  • Did you find any?

• Do you crack up laughing at the mention of toast?
  • Eggs?
  • Chocolate sauce?
  • Mint frosting?
  • Sand?
  • The expression "going there?"

• Did you watch "Marker?"
  • Did you enjoy it?
  • Because of Kimba?
  • Because you wrote a script featuring a dashing British investor who came to sweep her off her feet?
  • Did you submit it?
  • Can you understand what Pipeline says?
  • Can you speak Hawaiian now?

• Have you ever written a script for TNG?
  • Did it have BONCing in it?
  • Did you get a response?
  • Did you send another one?

• Do you log in more than five times a day looking for BONC mail?
  • More than ten?
  • More than twenty?
  • Do you just log in once and stay there?

• Have you ever called another BONCer?
  • Met another BONCer?
  • Fell in love with another BONCer? *poke the Other Couple*
  • Traveled more than 500 miles to meet another BONCer?
    • More than 1000?

• Do you find yourself using expressions you've picked up from fellow BONCers?
  • In regular mail?
  • In conversations?
  • During job interviews?
  • Have your friends started using them, too?

• Have you written a BONC story?
  • More than three?
  • More than six?
  • More than twelve?
  • Were any of them rated NC-17?
    • Although you've never had sex?

• Do you daydream about BONCing at work?
  • At home?
  • During [ahem] tender moments?
    • Did he/she notice?

• Do you own toys shaped like the characters?
  • Do you play with them?
  • Do you have them do things you'd rather not share with the group?
    (Idle Question: Did you ever do the same thing with Barbies?)
  • Have they inspired you to write a story?
  • Was it unsuitable for children?

• Do you have a favorite name for the Couple's first child?
  • A list of names?
    • With descriptions of their personalities?
    • With descriptions of the Couple's grandkids?

• Have you ever used the name "Beverly" or "Jean-Luc" for a pet?
  • For one of your children?
  • Have you called your SO that by accident?

• Do you stay up late to BONC?
  • Past midnight?
  • Past 2am?
  • All night; sleep is for wimps?

• In order to BONC, have you ever missed a class?
  • Work?
  • Someone's wedding?

• Do you see clothing in stores and think the outfit would look perfect on one of the Couple?
  • Did you buy it specifically for that reason?
    • Does it fit?

• Have you spent more than $50 on BONC merchandise this year?
  • This month?
  • Today?
  • Was it worth it?

• Are you going to Pasadena in March¹?
  • Have you already bought your plane ticket?

• Do you have a picture of Gates McFadden or Patrick Stewart on your wall?
  • On your desk?
  • On your nightstand?
  • Under your pillow?
  • All of the above?

• Have you spent more than two hours in a row BONCing?
  • More than five hours?
  • Have you stopped yet?

• Are you sick of these questions yet?
  • Do you wonder why you're still answering?
  • Are you making up additional questions?
  • Did you make up a questionnaire?

• Do you have the following on tape:
  • "The Naked Now"?
  • "The Arsenal of Freedom"?
  • "The Big Goodbye"?
  • "The High Ground"?
  • "Allegiance"?
  • "Sarek"?
  • "Remember Me"?
  • "The Host?"
  • "Attached?"
  • "Sub Rosa"?
  • "All Good Things?"
    • More than once?
    • More than twice, in case your back-up tape wears out?
    • Every episode other than from Season 2?
    • Do you have "The Child" because JLP mentions Her?

• Do you still like fairy tales?
  • Do you consider BONC to be a form of fairy tale?
  • Have you written a BONC fairy tale?

• Do you cringe at the phrase "comfortable silence?"

• Do you find obscure quotes that sounds vaguely BONCy for your .sig?

• Are you still taking this test?
  • And recording your answers?
  • After midnight?

• Have you rented "The Hunt for Red October" just to watch the first five minutes?

• Did you actually watch "Taking Care of Business?"

• Did you get to see "Every Good Boy Deserves Favour?"
  • Will you not answer that question because everyone would kill you?

• Did you go to New York to see PS?
  • Did you travel more than a hundred miles?
  • More than five hundred?
  • Did you meet him?
  • Did he speak to you?
  • Are his bodyguards now on alert for you?

• Have you met GMF?
  • Did she talk to you?
  • Was it the defining experience of your life?

• Did you ever send a BONC story to a friend?
  • To a group of (non-BONC) friends?
  • To co-workers?
    • By accident?
  • To children?
  • Is the FBI pursuing you?

• Do you refer to fellow BONCers as email friends?
  • As real friends?
  • As family members?

• Have you mailed a fellow BONCer a letter?
  • A card?
  • A present?

• If you found out you were pregnant (can it, Daz)² would you tell a fellow BONCer before you told your parents?
  • Before you told the father?

• Have you ever BONCed in a public place?
  • Did people look at you oddly?
  • Did you not really care?

• Have you seen the TOS episode "Miri" and gone into hysterics over the annoying kid who keeps repeating "Bonk! Bonk on the head!"
  • Are you going into hysterics now?

• Does Star Trek resemble your vision of the future?
  • Of your future?
  • Of the afterlife?

• Have you ever lost something and blamed Q?

  Do you refer to Nella Darren as N!@@#$%?

  • As N'lla?
  • As French Fry Woman? (not to be confused with Human Toast)
  • Do you refuse to refer to her at all?
  • Have you ever entertained notions of sending Wendy Hughes (the actress who played You Know Who) hate mail?
    • Did you do it?

• Do you refer to Vash as V---?
  • As That Slut Who Ran Off With Q?
    • Do your friends know whom you're talking about?

• Have you written letters to Paramount demanding more BONC in the next movie?
  • More than three?
  • Did they write back?
  • Are you writing your own script?

• Do you light candles in the hope of finding an anaphasic lifeform?
  • Did it work?

• Can you recite long monologues from episodes of TNG?

• Do you know the actors' birthdays?
  • The characters' birthdays?
  • Do you celebrate them?
  • While remembering Bev's birthday, have you forgotten your anniversary?
    • Your spouse's birthday?
    • Your child's birthday?

• Are you keeping at least one BONC list up to date?
  • More than three?
  • Did you start a list (ie of names, birthdays, etc)?

• Did you jump at the chance to join BONC?
  • Did you invite someone into BONC?
  • Did you help found BONC?

• Have you ever talked someone into BONCing with you?
  • Did he/she enjoy it?

• Did you ever think that characters on other shows belonged together?
  • Did you write stories about them?
  • More than five?

• Have you ever fantasized about being one of The Couple?
  • Do you do it often?

• Do you start laughing at BONC-thoughts at odd hours?
  • Does anyone notice?

• Have you ever seen a baby and thought that the child looked like one the Couple might have?
  • Did you get a picture?
  • More than one?

• Have you ever dreamed about the Couple?
  • About being one of the Couple?
  • About talking on the computer about the Couple?

• Do you get excited when you see a new BONC story in your mailbox?
  • Do you wait to read it at home?

• Have you ever threatened another BONCer with bodily harm for not completing a story?
  • Did you make good on your threat?

• Have you found your long-lost twin soul on BONC?

• Do people believe you and another BONCer are the same person?
  • Are they right?

• Do you know Sandra's ftp site by memory?³
  • And all of its contents?

• Do you believe BONC is a way of life?
  • Do you attempt to spread the words of BONC wherever you go?
  • Are you wondering what I've been drinking?

• Can you BONC with your eyes closed?

• Do you haunt the alt.startrek.* groups in hopes of finding more BONC to enjoy?
  • Do you share?

• Do you lurk in BONC, wondering how to quietly extricate yourself from the madness?

• Do you talk about playing in the sandbox to your friends?
  • Do they know what you're talking about?

• Do you find yourself attracted to redhaired women or bald British men?
  • Are you attached (so to speak) to someone resembling one of The Couple?
  • Was that a major reason why?

• Do you refer to your car as a shuttlecraft?
  • Have you named it?

• Do you have coffee and croissants for breakfast?
  • Did you start after seeing "Attached?"
  • Do you make jokes about Vulcan dishes?
  • Do your friends get them?

• Have you ever had a fantasy where He asked Her to marry Him by saying "Engage?"
  • Did you write it up?
  • In more than one story?

• Do the people at the local toystore know you on sight?
  • Do they call you to tell you when action figures are available?
  • Do they run and hide when you approach?

• Have you ever corrupted someone else into BONCing?
  • Was it a minor?

• Do you have a BONC-related nickname?
  • Do you use it in real life?
  • Do you like it better than your real name?
  • Have you forgotten your real name?
  • Do you have the weird feeling that it's Gates or Patrick?

• Have you considered a Drastic Change in hairstyle (see "You Know You're a BONCer When ... ")
  • Did you do it?

• Have you ever found yourself grinning madly over something BONC-related?
  • Did you have to explain it to someone?

• Are you really sick of these questions?
  • So'm I.

"Then sigh no so, But wet dem go,
And be you bwive and bonny, Tawning aw yo sounds of woe
Into hey nonny nonny."

- The Bishop in "The Princess Bride" doing "Much Ado About Nothing"

3: This no longer exists.... substitute the P/C Story Index!